While waiting for Brian at the vet’s office, Chris meets a beautiful young intern named Anna and develops a crush on her. Meanwhile, Peter becomes very attached to a parrot he sees at the vet and decides to steal it for himself. Carrying his parrot wherever he goes, Peter’s friends compare him to a pirate and suggest he dress up like one. Of course, it all goes to his head as he recruits three other pirates and begins terrorizing the town under the name “Long John Peter.” Peter and his men loot a British man’s car inexplicably full of tobacco, rum, and spices in a drawn-out high-speed car chase that mimics a naval battle, filled with cannonade and sword fighting on each side. Unfortunately, Peter’s parrot is injured in the attack and dies a reportedly humiliating death at the vet’s office, though Peter quickly gets over it in interest of the pipe organ (which, too, quickly meets it’s demise at Peter’s hands).

Brian decides to start a relationship with a nice young widowed woman he meets one day, only to learn that she already has a boyfriend she never told him about. Feeling he may be losing his chances at love, Brian ultimately decides to meet up with a former flame named Tracy who, once being quite attractive, has since become fat and slovenly. Partially repulsed, Brian decides to leave, but Tracy insists he stay after revealing that she has a son named Dylan and that he is the father.

Lois is growing increasingly frustrated with Peter, who has been much more focused on spending time with his friends than with her. Brian, who had just won a vacation to Martha?s Vineyard to receive a writing award, decides to take the two with him to help them sort things out between themselves. However, Peter fails to show up when Brian comes to read an excerpt from his winning poem, which touches Lois. It is only until then that Peter arrives late and completely drunk. This upsets Lois, who agrees to spend the day with Brian the next morning since Peter is too caught up with himself. As Brian begins planning for what they should do that evening, he begins having fantasies of himself kissing Lois and professing his love, although he knows that she is already married to Peter.

After attending a concert featuring Barry Manilow, Peter realizes that he has accidentally dropped his wallet there. However, he soon discovers that someone has found it, but is currently using his credit card to buy expensive things. After recieving a bank letter, Peter and Brian track down the culprit to a Chinese restaurant and discover him to be none other than James Woods, whom Peter had previously locked away in a Government Warehouse.

Peter decides to grow a mustache, and after being mistaken for a fireman, ends up lending a hand when a fire breaks out at a local fast food restaurant. The owner gives him unlimited burgers as a thank you, but he eats too many and has a stroke. When Peter recovers, he vows to expose the fast-food company for what it really is, becoming friends with a genetically engineered cow along the way.

Meg finds herself interested in a cute med student who treats her at the hospital and soon hits it off with him. However, an overprotective Peter is determined to drive the student away. Meanwhile, Brian and Stewie buy and renovate a dilapidated house.

Peter starts an anti-immigration group; however, he quickly changes his mind when he finds out that he was born in Mexico. Unable to prove his citizenship, pass the naturalization test or convince investigators that his marriage to Lois is for real, he ends up working for Carter as a landscaper, all the while fighting for immigration rights.

Returning from her presumed death, Lois reveals her attempted killer to be Stewie. Stewie then takes his family hostage, slowly gaining more power until the world itself is at its knees. Desperate to put an end to Stewie’s reign of terror, Lois realizes what she must do…

Lois and Peter sail off on a cruise. Jealous that he was left behind, Stewie’s matricidal tendencies are rekindled. When Brian challenges him to actually do it, Stewie carries out his diabolical plan.

When Bonnie tells Joe that she is tired of being married to a handicapped person, Joe gets a leg transplant. Excited about his new ability to walk, Joe engages in extreme sport, and soon ditches his current friends, for more active ones. Peter and the guys are upset at how Joe is acting and decide to teach him a lesson.